Thursday, May 25, 2006

Things are definitely looking a bit better today. I'm really glad for a (mostly) full night of sleep last night. Joel is only waking up once during the night for this past week! Hurrah! But on Monday and Tuesday night, I was up for three and a half hours in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep. My mind wouldn't stop going...

I'm starting to get the feel of being home. It's kind of weird. I've always thought of how neat it would be to have evenings to myself, to not always be going somewhere or have a meeting scheduled. To be able to sit out on the front porch and talk with people walking by. I think it'll be neat. I know I won't have EVERY night free, at least I hope not, but five or so a week is amazing for me to think of.

The other neat thing that has happened as a result of my new stay-at-home-mom status is that my kitchen floor is sparkly. I vacuumed it, scrubbed it, then mopped it. Wow. I am also going through my cabinets and organizing and pitching stuff. Super wow.

I'm really looking forward to this!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

My life has just taken a new direction. I'm sad, scared, excited, anxious, hopeful, and trying to see huge opportunity all at the same time. My mom, one of the wisest women I know, said last night that she knows deep in her heart that this is the most wonderful thing that could be happening to me right now, even though in the thick of it, it looks pretty gloomy. I'm hoping a lot that she's right.

I'm sitting here waiting for Joel to fall asleep. He's absolutely exhausted, so I put him in his swing and gave him his coziest blanket, and now he's talking and blowing raspberries and trying his hardest to not fall asleep, even though this is what he needs most. I have everything on to make him feel comfortable and sleepy: the rainforest sounds (!), the birds circling over his head, the swaying from side ot side... and now he's protesting sleep quite out loud.

In the same way, I have been protesting this idea for a long time. It's been in my head, right behind my eyes, but I've been telling myself that I need to stay awake, to keep on the same way, that I don't need a change. That I'm happy the way things are. But, on the inside all I want to do is be away from the situation, to go and rest in what God has for me now. To be gently rocked to sleep in the rainforest of newness, of change and happiness. But now, being shoved into my swing without specifically and vocally choosing to be there, I'm protesting. But, just as Joel is giving out to the idea that sleeping might not be the worst option, but in fact the best, so am I giving up what I so desparately wanted to hold on to and realizing that what is best for me may be something I just need to sit down and allow to take over.